Why? 2
by Bob Regent
Summary: The next Part of the Why? Trilogy, Xander has left and Buffy has found out and is upset. This is their thoughts at the time.


  
Buffy's thoughts   
  
He's gone! That's it just like that he leaves me without saying goodbye. I did it again pushed away the  
people who love me. The ones that care for me more than themselves, Angel, Riley, and now Xander  
the only one who really cared for me more than anyone. I never noticed it until it was too late, I never  
gave him the one chance he wanted just one date with me. I turned him down almost four years ago and  
I never thought how much it hurt him when I did. He showed me all through that first year- the bracelet  
that I've never taken off, the times he would make me laugh- the time he saved my life. He's always  
there he never left me until the final time I pushed him away.   
  
I didn't try anything with Xander out of respect for Willow- she's like my sister and I would never do  
anything to hurt her, I knew she was in love with Xander and so never thought about it. That summer  
after I had been with my father I saw them in the park, after we stopped the master we thought that we  
would have no problems with vamps for a while but we were wrong- I saw Xander and Willow walking  
along the road when it looked like Willow was about to get her greatest wish when they were attacked.  
Xander put up a fight better than he had been doing but he still didn't have as much strength as a  
vampire and was knocked down.   
  
He had really bulked up over the summer and it wasn't lost on me.I think that's one of the reasons I  
used him to try and get Angel jealous, not just because he was my friend and I thought it would make  
Angel angry but because I wanted to I felt something for him even then I thought maybe it was the  
same thing he had a quick thought that maybe he was in love with me but now three years later I know  
I was wrong. All the times he held me and comforted me over Angel I must have been breaking his  
heart, he had grown up so much over the last few years his humour had changed he doesn't do it to hurt  
anyone he does it to keep us alive. He never told me about when he came down to the sewers to save  
me I had to get that out of Willow- I never realised he was the only one to never give up on me- ever.  
Every year he does something else to keep me alive and to help me even if It hurts him, he brought me  
back at the masters lair, one year later almost to the day he helped me get Giles away from Angelus,  
Again a year later he led the Student Army against the Vamps and then last year he almost died saving  
us. We thought he was dead and gave up. I don't think I really realised that he was the one that kept us  
all going, He had no strength powers or skills but he was still there to help us when we needed him he  
was our 'Key Guy' The one that held us. If it wasn't for him we would all be dead in one way or another,  
me in the Masters Lair, Giles at Angelus's mansion, willow in numerous places, Cordelia with the  
Frankenstein guys. Amy, Faith, Angel, Wesleythe list goes on. I know he feels guilty for not saving Oz  
but it wasn't his fault he did everything he could.   
  
He helps us even if it's just to get food and supplies he was always willing to help, oh god maybe that's  
why he went. Last year we barely ever let him help us we only went over to him if we needed  
somewhere for a while or for research or to hide but we never had him there just because we wanted  
him too. I have to Find him and I need help Willow and Giles They have to help me before it's too late I  
have to find him the man I ...Love!!.   
  
Xander's Thoughts.   
  
Well I did it I finally left Sunnyhell for the last time. Maybe I should have told everyone I was going.  
No maybe not, I think Willow still blames me for Oz dying. Buffy and Giles barely speak to me  
anymore I wish so much I could change thing s but I can't and I won't try to the only way I would  
change things is to put myself in Oz's place- in the Initiative's cages.   
  
I would do anything to save them all from anything. I did once you knowwilling go to die to save my  
friends- 'The Night of the Zeppo' as I feel it should be called- ha just shows how much 'Use' I am. I  
hate being the only one that can't help. I do everything to save them and In the end I'm left to hang out  
and dry, I'm not needed anymore they've got TA man and another Witch to help them- bullshit damnit.  
Maybe it's for the best if they never see me again- I just show them what failure does to them and how  
a normal human is a liability to them instead of a help. So I leave the two women I love most in the  
world and a man who was like a father to me, Thank you Giles for all you've done for me over the  
years. I pass the final road and I think of everything that has happened to me. Mostly bad- losing one  
of my best friends almost being eaten by a huge Praying Mantis, almost sucked dry by probably the  
first woman except Buffy I even came close to loving- Ampata. Other things happening, almost being  
eaten alive by a giant 60 foot worm, almost killed dozens of times by vampires, almost sacrificed, Had  
spells backfire on me, almost killed by hormonal lust crazed women, breaking up the best thing that  
had ever happened to me with Cordelia. Losign more friends to that Bastard Angelus and his Children.  
Almost being murdered by a woman I was trying to get close to, staring down a Zombie gang leader  
over a ticking bomb, almost having the hellmouth open several times and almost... almost losing the  
woman I love more than my own life. God things have happened I just can't think of many right now-  
the time with Cordy for a start- saving my friendsfinally showing I can do more than most people when  
I led the student army.   
  
I've done everything for her tried to show her that I can do things for them no matter how mundane and  
stupid I did them to help her, and what do they do- stop me from helping them altogether. I've almost  
died and then come back to stop the enemy killing my friends- well if they don't need me I don't need  
them- I'm going to the bright lights of L.A. to see if I can do things there- there's more demons there  
than anywhere else bar Sunnydale and so I'm going to see if I can't do something up there- me and my  
equipment. I'll find some of my own friend to help me fight. Damn I hope they'll all be alright- I'll write  
a letter as soon as I get to where I'm going.   
  
I hope that they can forgive me for doing this but they'll all be better off without me there won't be any  
problems having to look after the normal guy and getting the 'normal guy' out of trouble. I'll be okay  
though I only need myself and my stuff- Nice of Oz to leave my his van it means I'll get the chance to  
get away from here. I'll try a new college next semester and I'll try to do well this time, maybe I'll do  
something and Finally get noticed by people and not be left in the lurch by my 'Friends'. I close my  
eyes and slowly open them again. I'm sorry guys but you don't need me and I hope you all do better  
without me. I love you all and look after yourselves. I love you Buffy. I turn over and go to sleep  
thinking of things when they were better.   
  
The End  
  



End file.
